Caught in Cognitive Dissonance

Pride, Privilege, and Priorities in a Pandemic

I’ll start this one with a sidenote: this is more of a personal post than what I normally write in here. But I think it’s important to uphold my intention for what I want this blog to be:

An authentic account of my life inside and outside of the office and how those worlds collide.

Well, this pandemic has been a head-on collision of those worlds, not just for me but for every single person on this planet.

And it would feel like an omission of guilt if I did not write about the thoughts weighing on my conscious more and more with each passing day. I can’t not document this historic moment in time, in all its many facets for me.

So I’m about to get all melodramatic about the existential tug-of-war twisting inside my brain.

Consider this your warning: emotions ahead.

Inside My Bubble of Self-Isolation

Here I am sitting in my favorite chair, reupholstered in funky orange fabric, by our big windows shaded by the old-growth trees of our front yard. A laptop in my lap, coffee resting on the window ledge, a candle on the coffee table, music humming quietly as I type the day away, hopping on conference calls here and there.

I’ll stop at some point to do a livestream yoga class, or maybe take a spin on my lyra in the backyard, or maybe spend the evening hours chatting away on a virtual happy hour with my friends as I sit on the deck sipping wine.

The world around me is a fearful, chaotic mess of uncertainty thanks to COVID-19, but here I sit in my little bubble.

A bubble of privilege.

A bubble whose walls have become thicker—not just due to increasingly stringent rules of social distancing, but because no matter how long this whole thing goes on, the inside of this bubble will stay relatively the same while outside things look direly different every day.

Outside of my bubble, there are people putting themselves on the front lines of this terrifying reality that is actually happening. A reality that is taking people’s lives, that is putting other people’s lives at risk, that is eliminating people’s jobs, that is making people’s jobs a nightmare, that is triggering depression and anxiety and devastation in the lives of people in every part of those situations.

A reality that has changed our concept of reality.

Source: Photo by Magda Ehlers from Pexels — *Source: Photo by* *Magda Ehlers* *from* *Pexels*

But my bubble is a barrier—that’s the point of isolation and distancing. I follow the unfolding stories of unrelenting hardships and I try to help in the ways we’re all encouraged to from a distance. My support mainly comes in dollars passed along virtually or from 6ft away. But as much sympathy and empathy and donations I give, I am still sending it out from inside my quiet and cozy WFH, wine-drinking bubble.

The nature of privilege is unfair, but it’s always been an undeniable part of reality. And I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that shelter-in-place, stay-at-home, self-isolation is just shining a big shameful spotlight on the fact that I am, indeed, privileged and cannot open my doors or my arms to comfort others the way I wish I could.

I am grateful, so eternally grateful, but that gratefulness is laced with guilt. Uncomfortable in my comfort; guilt lining my gratitude.

Caught in Cognitive Dissonance

I’ve never considered myself privileged, at least not in the way I undisputedly am now in the days of the coronavirus. If you asked me before all this if I am privileged I would say quite defiantly:

I am not privileged! I’ve worked damn hard to be where I am today and everything I have now is because I am smart and resourceful and knew what I wanted so I went after it.

While all of that is 100% true, none of that self-righteous bullshit matters because I sit here able to work remotely in a nice little house in a beautiful city with my dear sweet boyfriend and a corgi coworker while others suffer in the world outside.

Two, three months ago I would have told you that I got here because I worked hard to overcome disparities throughout college and continued to work with dogged determination to get where I am in my career and that I deserve to take pride in all of that. And I do take pride in all of that.

But this isn’t about where I was two or three months ago, or two or three years ago in my career, or a decade ago in college. This is about right here and right now.

And right now I am on the other side of the table. I am sitting on the side of the table that I always looked upon scornfully in my younger years as the “lucky side”—they had it good and easy and didn’t have to worry about all the shit that comes with being stuck on the side of struggle. I sat on that unlucky side of struggle for most of my life.

Source: Photo by Markus Spiske from Pexels — *Source: Photo by* *Markus Spiske* *from* *Pexels*

But with hard work the tides turned the way I always hoped they would.

And now—right here, right now—I suddenly find myself privileged. I suddenly recognize that I am not just working from home and ordering takeout and casually chatting with my friends virtually—I am in a bubble and outside that bubble is real effing hard to survive.

It’s harder than any of the “hard” things I had to overcome. It’s harder than all that “hard” work I had to do. It’s harder than any “hard” day I have ever had to live through.

So really, this cognitive dissonance of coming to grips with my privilege is not just pointless—it’s insensitive, it’s repugnant, it’s not helpful to anyone.

I need to get over myself and put this sudden privilege to good use.

“Good Use”

So how am I putting that privilege to “good use” for the right here, right now reality?

I’m ordering to-go from local restaurants, donating to local charities and artists, taking virtual classes from my local aerial studios, and pretty much sending what money I can to anything local that I love and needs help. I just try to carry on the way I normally would have by buying things and engaging with people and attending events—just all from a distance now.

I support my community by keeping my life relatively the same, doing the same stuff I normally do that feeds the local economy. I have the privilege to do that.

Despite the fact that I know this is “doing good,” none of it compares to all those people who are actually making a difference out there—that long list of people and professions whose lives have been upended and are moment-by-moment helping all of us survive.

They are the ones truly “doing good.”

But I have to accept that one of the biggest ways I can help them, and everyone, get through this is by staying home inside my bubble. Yes, I am privileged to be okay but if I am lucky enough to be okay then I shouldn’t feel bad about that right now—I should just be thankful and look ahead.

I should be looking outside of my bubble to see ways that I can help from inside the barrier of self-isolation. I need to keep supporting local businesses the way I have been since day one of shelter-in-place. I need to be an active part of my community the way I was two, three months ago (albeit virtually). I need to stay focused on my job and freelance clients the way I have been for years. I need to stay determined and resourceful the way I have been for the last decade.

I need to work hard to keep helping and doing good for this world, even if it is from within my bubble (or at a safe 6ft distance).

I know how to work hard. Time to put it to good use.